I had a particularly rough day at school today. Well, it was really just one hour that managed to (almost) ruin my entire evening. I’m deciding to write a blog post instead of endlessly scrolling through my Facebook feed and moving between losing my shit or crying into my cup of tea… Okay, so it sounds a bit dramatic but seriously, UGH.
Every couple of weeks we have something called a TBL. Team-Based Learning… In short, it’s a quiz for Anatomy and Physiology. All 600 or so of us (we’re in class with not only midwifery students but engineers, nurses, and health science students as well) sit in a lecture hall with little “clickers” answering multiple choice questions. There are six questions total and they cover the last week’s lecture material. Most of the questions are done individually and the final question is done as a group, hence the name TBL.
Anyway, so our current unit is cardiac and I have been studying the absolute crap out of this material. I’ve been the last one in the lab many nights, shutting her down with the TAs, and dreaming about fetal heart development. I went into my TBL feeling like I knew everything so well! But alas, I still made stupid mistakes and didn’t get all the answers right.
I’m discouraged. I know I shouldn’t focus on the grades and more on my understanding… But I think that is the most frustrating thing! I get it but these damn TBLs are killing my confidence.
So here’s my secret: I worry sometimes that I’m not good enough. I even wondered if they had made an error when they accepted me into the MEP… are they sure? This is a hard program to get into… Did they really pick me?
I had never really heard of imposter syndrome until this program. Basically, in my case, you feel like you’re tricking everyone into believing that you’re smart and that at some point, they will find out and your accomplishments will be taken away. In my case, no more becoming a midwife.
Maybe I’ve never felt this way before because I have literally never wanted anything so badly. There is nothing on this planet that I have worked this hard for before, nothing that I feel fits perfectly with my entire being like midwifery does. And it’s scary to admit that because losing midwifery would be devastating.
But it’s not gonna happen. Because tonight I’m going to remind myself all the reasons why I’m actually not an imposter:
- I worked my ass off in my previous degree to get the grades to get into this program.
- I absolutely nailed my interview. Power Posed the whole way through.
- Getting a couple of questions wrong doesn’t mean that I’m not smart.
- Getting questions wrong also doesn’t mean I’m not going to be a good midwife. I have so many skills that are going to shine like the sun in placement.
- I actually am succeeding! I’m passing, I’m here, I’m enjoying my program – and I actually love A&P, despite its frustrations.
- I will know everything I need to know before I graduate. And I hope I learn something new every day as a midwife, I don’t ever want to stop learning.
- This isn’t supposed to be easy. You’re supposed to work hard for the things that you love.
So I’m going to pick myself up, dust off that damn TBL, and get back to work.